Tactics to stop saying ‘YES’ when you really want to say ‘No’

By Angela Turton

Who do you say “no” to?

Do you find yourself saying “Yes” when you really want to say “no”? Are you sitting on your hands all the way through the meeting until the crucial point when no-one else steps up and you find yourself volunteering? Or perhaps you suffer from friends and colleagues who insist that they “can’t do it without you”?

Maybe you really want to help, but worry about how you are going to fit it all in?

Maybe like Annie in Oklahoma, you “can’t say no”

“I’m just a girl who cain’t say no

I’m in a terrible fix

I always say come on, let’s go!

Jist when I orta say nix”

-Rodgers and Hammerstein

First things first – Do you want this to change?

It may be the case that you are happy being the go-to person in your group, you might secretly love being the one who does everything (a self-confessed control freak perhaps?) and you like the recognition being a chief supporter of your team brings. If this is the case, this article may be of no use to you. On the other hand, you may be all these things because you end up saying yes instead of no!

At some point, this urge to say yes – what Marshall Goldsmith and Sally Helgesen call “the disease to please” (How Women Rise) will start holding you back. How are you going to grow your business or advance your career if you are still doing all the tasks from the bottom tiers of the ladder? We do not have time for that baggage.

I could advocate “Just Say No”, but it did not really work for the anti-drug campaign back in the 80s, and it probably will not work for you either. So, let us talk tactics.

No.1 – Set some rules for yourself.

Whom are you going to say Yes or No to? What are your boundaries? To paraphrase Meatloaf – “I’ll do anything for you, but I won’t do that.” If you are clear on your own rules and have these as your ‘armour’ you will find it easy to know what (or who) you should be saying yes or no to.

No.2 – Beware of the master manipulator.

Learn who is good at getting you to do things – you probably already know! We all have those people in our lives, from toddlers to bosses who will either flatter you, bully you, bribe you, or even threaten you with tears to cajole you into saying yes. Once you are aware of what is happening, it will become easier to harden your heart, pull on your big girl pants, and work out how to turn them down without bringing a global catastrophe down on your head.

No.3 – Understand exactly what you are being asked to do.

How many times have we said yes to something and then found that the task is ten times more complex or time-consuming than first thought? I bet you are nodding to this right now! It’s perfectly acceptable to say, “I may be able to help, but first I need to understand more about what it is you need and what is required before I can decide.” Then you need to be asking lots of questions before agreeing to do it or before saying “I’m sorry, no. Now I understand what’s involved I won’t be able to give it the time it deserves.”

No.4 – Do not avoid the issue

If you are not saying no clearly enough, some people will just assume that you have said yes, and suddenly, your name is down as the one responsible for the magic act that must happen before anyone else can do anything. Obtain acknowledgment of your rejection before you finish the conversation.

No.5 – Try not to make up excuses

You will nearly always be found out, or you will end up committing to something else – usually, something which will be a complete waste of energy or a complete time suck, and then you are back to square one, too much to do and not enough time. Honesty is definitely the best policy.

No.6 – Do not over-explain

This also links to action No.5. You do not need to explain in any depth why you want to say no, most people are not interested, they just want a fall guy or girl. If the person asking has a right to understand your reasons for not saying yes, state these as clearly as possible, do make sure they are reasons and not excuses.

No.7 – Have a script and practice saying it

For example, “Thank you for thinking of me but that doesn’t work for me”, “I am not committing to anything else right now” or just “No, I am sorry, I can’t” or another alternative is; “Sorry I can’t this time around, but I appreciate you thinking of me for the task.”

No.8 – Say yes to something else

Is there something smaller you can commit to that shows you are being supportive of the business or team? For example, could you ask around to see if someone else is available, or can you spread the word, or attend the event as a visitor rather than organise it?

No.9 – Be open to opportunities

Sometimes there is a world of pathways and doors that might open to you if you say yes. If you say no all the time, people will stop approaching you for things or assume you don’t care about helping others so be mindful of this. Say yes, every now then, but ensure it’s on your terms.

No.10 – Be brave, be selfish and live your life your way!